fatigue.

Oh the fatigue.

It's funny the things that you don't quite remember about having a baby. Things like growth spurts and sleep regression and how, at around 3 1/2 months, they 'wake' from their newborn sleepiness and start to take in every single stimulant around them. It's adorable really, the way they all of a sudden find their hands and start grasping for things within reach. And the way that they start to realize that they can adjust their body weight this way and that, in order to roll over. But what's not so adorable is how their hands wake them up in the middle of the night because they can't quite control their body movements yet. Or how they surprise themselves at 3am and roll over, resulting in some happy babbling (as if congratulating themselves) for an hour or so before realizing that they can't roll back into their sleep position. This of course, results in some very angry screams until Mom can come and help. Now don't get me wrong, I am utterly obsessed with my now 4 month old. His chubby little legs and his full cheeks are absolutely adorable and his baby smell is delicious. But this Mama is tired. Beyond tired. I'm fairly certain I'm constantly running on the adrenaline that comes after jolting awake every morning, not knowing what time it is, who is awake and who needs me. Thankfully, that adrenaline (and A LOT of help from my husband) keeps me running throughout the day. But a little extra sleep wouldn't hurt.

These are the hazy days of motherhood- the days where you throw your hair up in a messy mom bun and just power through the day. The days where you don't realize that the spit up from the morning actually DID land on your pants until your husband gently points it out to you when he walks in the door. The days where making dinner is an accomplishment and ending the night with a clean kitchen feels like Christmas. But these are the days that make it worth it. These are the days that make you a stronger mother. A stronger woman. The ability to power through the fatigue and to celebrate the complete joy in the first giggles, the gummy smiles and the surprise 2 hour naps that come when you need it the most. This are the real and raw moments of motherhood that you're never prepared for (not even after 3 babies) but these are the moments that ground you. That remind you that there's no such thing as 'perfect' and that there's no way to accomplish anything without help from your tribe. These last 4 months have proven to me even more than ever that my husband is beyond amazing and my 2 older kids are freaking awesome older siblings. They are the helping hands when I'm feeling overwhelmed and they are the calm that comes when I need to recharge. Our ship may not always run smoothly, but I am so grateful for the ways in which my little family has adapted and accepted our crazy, fun new dynamic.

When I am real with other moms and share my recent experiences of exhaustion and sleepless nights, their first comment is almost always "oh man, I don't miss those days at all" (I know, so encouraging, right?). But I know I will. I may not miss waking up every hour to feed an ever-growing, milk-obsessed-mini-terrorist, but I will miss the way his wispy little hairs sway with every rock of the glider, or the way he sounds when he swallows so quickly, ravenous with hunger and how his body suddenly relaxes once he is content. I'll miss how his breath smells milky sweet when his mouth hangs open while sleeping on my shoulder and I'll miss his quiet little laughs while he's dreaming.  These quiet moments in the middle of the night are precious and fleeting and my 5 and 3 year old are proof that these little pockets of time  disappear in the blink of an eye. So when I look down at my littlest love while he sleepily fills his belly, I am nothing but grateful. Tired, but grateful.

Xo
M

gratitude.

These days, I find myself reflecting more and more on how grateful I am. Life is so busy and slowing things down takes some serious effort. But I am so blessed and lucky to have such an amazing ride-or-die partner by my side to hold my hand through it all. Now I'm not one to sugar-coat things. It's definitely not always sunshine and rainbows over here, but I am so lucky to have a husband who has always valued the importance of laughter and joy each and every day. He is the one who grounds me when my over-stressing, over-planning self gets carried away with the chaos of day-to-day. He is the reason behind so many of our children's smiles and he's the one who is always leading the laughter. He reminds me to take time for myself and watches the kids while I escape to the gym because he gets that I just can't function, let alone take care of anyone else if I don't stop and take care of myself first. He is always reminding me to slow down, that the cleaning and planning and worrying can wait. He is always present. Always positive. Everything that I lack. We've been together almost 15 years and this year we will be celebrating our 10 year anniversary. It's something that I've been looking forward to. Something I am so proud of. We met as kids and have grown together as adults and continue to learn and lean on each other. This Summer, I desperately want to renew our vows in a small, intimate ceremony to celebrate just how much joy the last 10 years have brought us. I want our children to see how much love we still have for each other and to know that a love like ours should be celebrated.
So tonight, as I steal some quiet time that my husband has lovingly  carved out for me, I am grateful. Just grateful.

time.

Time, as always, escapes me, and I can't even believe how long it has been since I've updated my teeny, tiny corner of the internet. Life has changed so much and I find myself in a bubble of self-reflection as I try to map out who exactly I am these days.

I am still a busy, working mom, although we have recently added to our little brood and I am currently navigating through a sea of diaper changes, interrupted nights and growth spurts. My older babies have gotten even older and we are all experiencing new firsts, with our oldest being in Kindergarten and our middle son finding his own passion and love for hockey and sports. Our schedules are constantly busy and we are often running from work to school or practice or games on any given day. But having a new baby at home has reminded me how important it is to slow things down. To take the time to really savour each day. To see creativity in the chaos of toys scattered on the floor and drinks spilled on the table. To stop the rushing and the stressing and just enjoy the fact that it's ok to not always have it all together (honestly, who really even does?). I so often get caught up in the planning and organizing of the days ahead that I forget to appreciate the present.

This new year has brought back to light a perspective that has been missing in my life for too long. One that reminds me to really pause and take each day as it comes. To live in the moment and not in the 'what ifs' and the 'what should be'. I am so guilty of getting trapped in the worries of tomorrow that I forget to see the beauty in today. I am so grateful that my 3 month old has not only added even more love and laughter into our home, but also, a reawakening, allowing us to put our focus back onto the quality of each and every day that we are lucky enough to experience.

So here's to the year ahead. One filled with quality experiences and new adventures.  One filled with more laughter, love and appreciation for each and every day that we are blessed to share with family and friends. And here's hoping that time doesn't escape me again and I can keep up with my little corner of the blogging world as I've definitely missed the peace that writing brings.

Wishing you all an amazing year ahead.

Xo

M

Eight.

When I think back to this day 8 years ago, it still surprises me at how young we were. Yet at 21 & 22 years old, we knew exactly what we wanted- each other. There are choices in this life that will scare you. Choices that will test your strength, your courage, your faith. But the choice that we made that day, together, was so simple. So easy. And it has brought me even more happiness than I could have ever imagined.

You have been my best friend for over 13 years. You are the first person who I run to when my days are dark and you’re the first person who I want to celebrate with when things are looking up. You are such a strong source of positivity when I am all too quick to be negative and you are a constant reminder that laughter is such an important part of life.

You are an incredible father to our babies and I there are no words to express how happy it makes me to see how bright their little faces light up when you walk into a room. You continue to teach our daughter what it truly means to be valued in this world and you show our son what it means to be a true, hard-working and honest man. 

I can’t imagine going through this amazing adventure without you by my side. You have and always will be my absolute favourite person in the world and I cannot wait to see what other adventures are to come. Thank you for filling the last 8 years with incredible memories, amazing achievements and fulfilled dreams. 

I love you with all of my heart, forever and always. Happy anniversary Derek.

Xo

M

The Messy Truth

Books, empty yogurt tube wrappers, crayons, hair accessories of all kinds, fire trucks and bouncy balls. 

Among the dust and crumbs that accumulate on my floors and under my couches, these are some of the many hidden treasures that I often find- forgotten, misplaced or simply stashed away in hiding spots all over my house. The fact that my 2 and 4 year old can occasionally make my house look like a frat house is just the honest truth.

Most of my Mom-friends will agree with me when I say that uninterrupted cleaning is THE BEST kind of cleaning and often very hard to come by. So in the hour that I had to myself the other day, before my kids came home from school, I was in my kitchen, frantically trying to peel stickers off the floor and give my house some much needed TLC. Then it dawned on me- I am fully slipping in the house cleaning department. 

This is no exaggeration. The laundry is piling up (and unfortunately, not folding itself). I don’t mop my floors as often as I should. The same can be said for vacuuming. I can’t remember the last time I cleaned my blinds and the dust bunnies living behind the TV really, really need to be evicted. 

I could go on.

It’s so easy for my moments of self-reflection to turn in a negative direction- ‘I should be better than this’. I should do a couple loads of laundry every day’. ‘I should make a cleaning schedule and try my best to stick to it’. ‘I need to set a better example for the kids’. And again, I could go on.

But honestly, my harsh reality is this – I’m doing the best that I can. 

I don’t (and wouldn’t EVER) claim to have the cleanest house. I have my share of junk drawers and closets that need gutting. I skip laundry days because by the time the kids are in bed and I’m finished working, mothering, juggling, etc. I’m seriously just too exhausted to worry about the clothes that are waiting to be folded. Don’t get me wrong- I LOVE a clean house, I clean as frequently and as often as I can and I certainly don’t do everything by myself. My kids are fantastic helpers and so is my husband. But let’s face it- life is just too busy to have a perfectly immaculate, mess-free house, every.single.day.

I’ve learned (and am still learning) to appreciate the chaos. As much as I’d love to fake it and pretend to have all of my sh*t together- I can’t. I don’t. And that’s totally okay with me. My home is my safe haven from the pressures of needing to be “perfect” and the people in it remind me that the mess is okay- that there’s beauty among madness.

So there it is- my messy truth.     

But I’m hoping that there are people out there who are like me. People who aren’t ashamed of not having it all together. People who sometimes forget to change the laundry and who will occasionally forgo an afternoon of cupboard reorganizing and baseboard cleaning because taking the kids to the park, to a movie, to a party – anything, is way more fun. And people who know that it’s totally okay to see the value in making messy memories with your family rather than stressing about the clean-up.

This is what happens when you live with a 2 year old and a 4 year old and skip a week of sweeping.

So here’s hoping that you find the time to stress less about the chaos and just enjoy the beauty of the moment. And when you get around to cleaning, grab a few extra hands, turn up the Hit List and have just as much fun with the clean up as you did while making the mess. 

XO

M

Pause.

I can’t even begin to explain where the time has gone or how insanely busy we’ve become. The days go by in a blur, filled with commitments of all kinds, and I naively keep telling myself that the calmness will come. 

I have been missing this space of mine. I’m constantly thinking of when to find the time to put my thoughts to paper and where I would even begin to catch up. 

Lately, I’ve been worried. Worried about forgetting. Forgetting to stop- to breathe, to savour, to appreciate. I worry that all of the juggling each day is making me lose sight of the important things. The important moments. And I don’t want to be that Mom. The Mom who forgets to pack a swimsuit in her daughter’s schoolbag, so she’s stuck in wet clothes all afternoon because she didn’t want to miss out on playing in the sprinkler with her classmates (really, who needs a swimsuit anyways?). The Mom who doesn’t notice that her son has almost mastered putting on his own shoes and that he could very well be ready to potty train if he just had a little consistency. The Mom who rushes through bedtime stores (if the kids even get any) because there is something to clean, something to bake, somewhere else to go. 

I know that it’s okay to sometimes be this Mom. But I don’t want to be. 

So I’m trying to stop. Trying to take in the moments again. Trying to appreciate that not everything has to be so busy and that sometimes, you just have to pause, spend the morning in your pajamas, surround yourself with your favourite little faces and just snuggle. 

Here's hoping that you all get a quiet moment where you can pause all of the juggling and just breathe.

Xo

M