fatigue.

Oh the fatigue.

It's funny the things that you don't quite remember about having a baby. Things like growth spurts and sleep regression and how, at around 3 1/2 months, they 'wake' from their newborn sleepiness and start to take in every single stimulant around them. It's adorable really, the way they all of a sudden find their hands and start grasping for things within reach. And the way that they start to realize that they can adjust their body weight this way and that, in order to roll over. But what's not so adorable is how their hands wake them up in the middle of the night because they can't quite control their body movements yet. Or how they surprise themselves at 3am and roll over, resulting in some happy babbling (as if congratulating themselves) for an hour or so before realizing that they can't roll back into their sleep position. This of course, results in some very angry screams until Mom can come and help. Now don't get me wrong, I am utterly obsessed with my now 4 month old. His chubby little legs and his full cheeks are absolutely adorable and his baby smell is delicious. But this Mama is tired. Beyond tired. I'm fairly certain I'm constantly running on the adrenaline that comes after jolting awake every morning, not knowing what time it is, who is awake and who needs me. Thankfully, that adrenaline (and A LOT of help from my husband) keeps me running throughout the day. But a little extra sleep wouldn't hurt.

These are the hazy days of motherhood- the days where you throw your hair up in a messy mom bun and just power through the day. The days where you don't realize that the spit up from the morning actually DID land on your pants until your husband gently points it out to you when he walks in the door. The days where making dinner is an accomplishment and ending the night with a clean kitchen feels like Christmas. But these are the days that make it worth it. These are the days that make you a stronger mother. A stronger woman. The ability to power through the fatigue and to celebrate the complete joy in the first giggles, the gummy smiles and the surprise 2 hour naps that come when you need it the most. This are the real and raw moments of motherhood that you're never prepared for (not even after 3 babies) but these are the moments that ground you. That remind you that there's no such thing as 'perfect' and that there's no way to accomplish anything without help from your tribe. These last 4 months have proven to me even more than ever that my husband is beyond amazing and my 2 older kids are freaking awesome older siblings. They are the helping hands when I'm feeling overwhelmed and they are the calm that comes when I need to recharge. Our ship may not always run smoothly, but I am so grateful for the ways in which my little family has adapted and accepted our crazy, fun new dynamic.

When I am real with other moms and share my recent experiences of exhaustion and sleepless nights, their first comment is almost always "oh man, I don't miss those days at all" (I know, so encouraging, right?). But I know I will. I may not miss waking up every hour to feed an ever-growing, milk-obsessed-mini-terrorist, but I will miss the way his wispy little hairs sway with every rock of the glider, or the way he sounds when he swallows so quickly, ravenous with hunger and how his body suddenly relaxes once he is content. I'll miss how his breath smells milky sweet when his mouth hangs open while sleeping on my shoulder and I'll miss his quiet little laughs while he's dreaming.  These quiet moments in the middle of the night are precious and fleeting and my 5 and 3 year old are proof that these little pockets of time  disappear in the blink of an eye. So when I look down at my littlest love while he sleepily fills his belly, I am nothing but grateful. Tired, but grateful.

Xo
M

gratitude.

These days, I find myself reflecting more and more on how grateful I am. Life is so busy and slowing things down takes some serious effort. But I am so blessed and lucky to have such an amazing ride-or-die partner by my side to hold my hand through it all. Now I'm not one to sugar-coat things. It's definitely not always sunshine and rainbows over here, but I am so lucky to have a husband who has always valued the importance of laughter and joy each and every day. He is the one who grounds me when my over-stressing, over-planning self gets carried away with the chaos of day-to-day. He is the reason behind so many of our children's smiles and he's the one who is always leading the laughter. He reminds me to take time for myself and watches the kids while I escape to the gym because he gets that I just can't function, let alone take care of anyone else if I don't stop and take care of myself first. He is always reminding me to slow down, that the cleaning and planning and worrying can wait. He is always present. Always positive. Everything that I lack. We've been together almost 15 years and this year we will be celebrating our 10 year anniversary. It's something that I've been looking forward to. Something I am so proud of. We met as kids and have grown together as adults and continue to learn and lean on each other. This Summer, I desperately want to renew our vows in a small, intimate ceremony to celebrate just how much joy the last 10 years have brought us. I want our children to see how much love we still have for each other and to know that a love like ours should be celebrated.
So tonight, as I steal some quiet time that my husband has lovingly  carved out for me, I am grateful. Just grateful.

time.

Time, as always, escapes me, and I can't even believe how long it has been since I've updated my teeny, tiny corner of the internet. Life has changed so much and I find myself in a bubble of self-reflection as I try to map out who exactly I am these days.

I am still a busy, working mom, although we have recently added to our little brood and I am currently navigating through a sea of diaper changes, interrupted nights and growth spurts. My older babies have gotten even older and we are all experiencing new firsts, with our oldest being in Kindergarten and our middle son finding his own passion and love for hockey and sports. Our schedules are constantly busy and we are often running from work to school or practice or games on any given day. But having a new baby at home has reminded me how important it is to slow things down. To take the time to really savour each day. To see creativity in the chaos of toys scattered on the floor and drinks spilled on the table. To stop the rushing and the stressing and just enjoy the fact that it's ok to not always have it all together (honestly, who really even does?). I so often get caught up in the planning and organizing of the days ahead that I forget to appreciate the present.

This new year has brought back to light a perspective that has been missing in my life for too long. One that reminds me to really pause and take each day as it comes. To live in the moment and not in the 'what ifs' and the 'what should be'. I am so guilty of getting trapped in the worries of tomorrow that I forget to see the beauty in today. I am so grateful that my 3 month old has not only added even more love and laughter into our home, but also, a reawakening, allowing us to put our focus back onto the quality of each and every day that we are lucky enough to experience.

So here's to the year ahead. One filled with quality experiences and new adventures.  One filled with more laughter, love and appreciation for each and every day that we are blessed to share with family and friends. And here's hoping that time doesn't escape me again and I can keep up with my little corner of the blogging world as I've definitely missed the peace that writing brings.

Wishing you all an amazing year ahead.

Xo

M