fatigue.

Oh the fatigue.

It's funny the things that you don't quite remember about having a baby. Things like growth spurts and sleep regression and how, at around 3 1/2 months, they 'wake' from their newborn sleepiness and start to take in every single stimulant around them. It's adorable really, the way they all of a sudden find their hands and start grasping for things within reach. And the way that they start to realize that they can adjust their body weight this way and that, in order to roll over. But what's not so adorable is how their hands wake them up in the middle of the night because they can't quite control their body movements yet. Or how they surprise themselves at 3am and roll over, resulting in some happy babbling (as if congratulating themselves) for an hour or so before realizing that they can't roll back into their sleep position. This of course, results in some very angry screams until Mom can come and help. Now don't get me wrong, I am utterly obsessed with my now 4 month old. His chubby little legs and his full cheeks are absolutely adorable and his baby smell is delicious. But this Mama is tired. Beyond tired. I'm fairly certain I'm constantly running on the adrenaline that comes after jolting awake every morning, not knowing what time it is, who is awake and who needs me. Thankfully, that adrenaline (and A LOT of help from my husband) keeps me running throughout the day. But a little extra sleep wouldn't hurt.

These are the hazy days of motherhood- the days where you throw your hair up in a messy mom bun and just power through the day. The days where you don't realize that the spit up from the morning actually DID land on your pants until your husband gently points it out to you when he walks in the door. The days where making dinner is an accomplishment and ending the night with a clean kitchen feels like Christmas. But these are the days that make it worth it. These are the days that make you a stronger mother. A stronger woman. The ability to power through the fatigue and to celebrate the complete joy in the first giggles, the gummy smiles and the surprise 2 hour naps that come when you need it the most. This are the real and raw moments of motherhood that you're never prepared for (not even after 3 babies) but these are the moments that ground you. That remind you that there's no such thing as 'perfect' and that there's no way to accomplish anything without help from your tribe. These last 4 months have proven to me even more than ever that my husband is beyond amazing and my 2 older kids are freaking awesome older siblings. They are the helping hands when I'm feeling overwhelmed and they are the calm that comes when I need to recharge. Our ship may not always run smoothly, but I am so grateful for the ways in which my little family has adapted and accepted our crazy, fun new dynamic.

When I am real with other moms and share my recent experiences of exhaustion and sleepless nights, their first comment is almost always "oh man, I don't miss those days at all" (I know, so encouraging, right?). But I know I will. I may not miss waking up every hour to feed an ever-growing, milk-obsessed-mini-terrorist, but I will miss the way his wispy little hairs sway with every rock of the glider, or the way he sounds when he swallows so quickly, ravenous with hunger and how his body suddenly relaxes once he is content. I'll miss how his breath smells milky sweet when his mouth hangs open while sleeping on my shoulder and I'll miss his quiet little laughs while he's dreaming.  These quiet moments in the middle of the night are precious and fleeting and my 5 and 3 year old are proof that these little pockets of time  disappear in the blink of an eye. So when I look down at my littlest love while he sleepily fills his belly, I am nothing but grateful. Tired, but grateful.

Xo
M